Facebook Fool’s Day

FacebookIn honor of April Fool’s Day, I thought I would talk a little bit about Internet Idiots. I’m not talking about people who contract viruses from ACTUALLY clicking the “Click here” button on a day like today, but rather Facebook users. Some people are good Facebook users, others? Not so much. So here’s to you, Facebook Fool, and here’s hoping you stop being so–well–foolish!

No seriously, I’m not talking about you.

Ok, I know some people are going to get offended by a post like this. Everyone can see a little bit about him or her self when things like this are discussed so I thought I would throw this out there:

You’re so vain. You probably think this post is about you.

Thank you Carly Simon.

How many times have you seen a “friend” update their status message with “_____ hates you all. Way to ruin my life?” Let’s look at your response to this. There are a few different types of people and responses to Emo Friend, so let’s take a walk down “Comment Lane.”

The “True Friend”

  • This is the friend who feels the need to incessantly check up on you. “Are you ok?” “I’m so sorry to hear that”
  • He or She feels obligated to fix any problem that you have using his or her “Care Bear STARE” tactic. Pretty much, he or she will annoy the s*** out of you until you appreciate his or her unrelenting generosity.
  • This friend doesn’t view Facebook as a “Social Networking tool” but as a way to supplement his or her stalker-ish tendencies. Conveniently lose your cell phone, change your number, get your Facebook account hacked, and delete him or her as a friend. For your own sanity.

The “Instigator”

  • This is “that guy.” He or she might be the best thing since sliced bread in “real life,” but on facebook? Claws out, 24/7.
  • He or She feels obligated to defend you at all costs, even if it means he or she is a jerk. Remember that “____ hates you all” post? S/he will not only say “F*** them all” but will probably blame it on someone even though s/he doesn’t know the situation. “Billy doesn’t deserve you!”
  • If there is an argument going between two OTHER people, s/he will join. Always.
  • To deal with the “instigator,” just don’t post anything. Ever. You can’t argue with something that doesn’t happen.

The “Diva”

  • This isn’t the person responding to your comments, this is you.
  • The Diva is the person who will do anything for attention. Anything. Probably even prostitution.
  • He or She will constantly update his or her status in ways that purposely scream for attention, such as “I hate you all!” “OMG I can’t believe this is happening…” “Wow, just wow.” and the like. These messages are always intentionally dramatic, yet vague enough to force others to respond as either the “True Friend” or the “Instigator.”
  • Ignoring a “Diva” on facebook can be complicated. Delete them, or block updates from them on your homepage.

Just because you’re on facebook, doesn’t mean I don’t know who you REALLY are

No seriously. I know who you are. I know you’re the person who didn’t do well in school or college, you party all the time, smoke pot, and are pretty much a tool. Don’t post some philosophical mumbo-jumbo about life, love, education, relationships, or whatever. I can see through it, I promise. Likewise, if you’re a four-eyed dork who hasn’t done anything vile in your life, don’t photoshop pictures of yourself at this year’s wild party. (A) People who were there will mock you relentlessly, and (B) you will somehow become that one in a hundred story of not getting into your dream school because of wild pictures. Don’t forget, with facebook, your “friends” probably actually know you. Unless you make an account saying you’re “Betty Boop,” I know who you are.

Keep your friends close, but your teachers, employers, and loan sharks closer

Ok. So hypothetically, let’s say I have a student that I’m supposed to tutor on my friend’s list. His or her status may say something like “Out with ____” and oddly enough–that person isn’t me. During the time I’m supposed to tutor said student. Or let’s use another example. Let’s say I’m doing a group project with someone, and during the time we’re supposed to meet up, that person updates his or her status to “Sooooo wasted.” And here we were all concerned that there was an emergency! Let’s go with a lucky third example: You owe a buddy $20. Nothing like making your status update “Got an awesome deal at Old Navy–jeans for $20!” Ohhhh, burn.

Lesson from these examples? Make sure you know who you friends are not only when you friend them, but when you post your updates. Otherwise, you’ll have that awkward “real life” encounter where the person who got shafted does the “interrogative-significant-other” move:

So…where were you yesterday morning when we were supposed to be working? Hm? Oh? Sick? Oh…so sorry to hear that. Could it have been because YOU WERE OUT WITH ____ ?!?!

If you’re going to make whatever updates you like, make sure your facebook friends only include your intimate circle. Which is fine by me, cause I don’t really give a damn about half the things you do.

Wow Kelly, can you say /delete?

While a lot of things in this post are true, they’re obviously exaggerated for this evil, evil day. Have a great April Fool’s Day, don’t do anything stupid (or be anything stupid) and expect a new post about writing tomorrow!

Posted in News.


  1. The “Facebook Zombie”

    – I can only describe this person as completely and utterly bored more with the real world than face book
    – You can not possibly avoid conversation with this individual. If you don’t respond back to their wall posts and messages you can bet your sweet ass there will be hell to pay the next time you log on.
    – Way too busy posting everyone about absolutely anything that is on their mind. They not only change nearly every speck of information on their facebook on a daily basis, they do it all the while sending you annoying application invitations.
    – whether they are trying to turn you into a zombie, a vampire, offer a bumper sticker, a gift, compare you to a song, movie, decade, race car driver, giving you a piece of flare inviting you to join their group or just filling up your wall the only thing that will get these folks to stop is to either delete them or wait for them to develop carpal tunnel.

  2. If my post wasn’t already creeping towards 1000 words, I would totally add that.

    Any else have another “facebook persona” that I’ve missed? 😉

  3. Haha love this post. Also included are: The Fanboy, The Application Stowaway, The Emo Kid and “That guy” whose over 30 and still on facebook.

  4. The “Hey, I don’t even use facebook, I’m better than you” Type. I’m one of those 🙂

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